today

Dear Diary, 

I don't know how to feel, i'm dizzy but i feel ok. It's been two days and i just don't know if i should eat or not. It's like if my body wants to eat but as soon as i take a bite of something i want to puke. Yesterday i've been watching my phone for over 30 minutes wondering if i should order something or not. I did though, but i felt guilty afterward, but i can cheat once a week so it is ok. I'm down to 142 now, i lost 3 pounds in the past days hope i can keep it that way, I wanna head back to 120, Even if its hard going to the gym right now, I just wanna stay in bed all day and watch movies. i've watched all Lifetime movies in the past week i think, I don't even know what i should watch anymore serioulsy i've seen it all. Have you ever felt like your life was a lifetime movie, i feel like this right now. I'm kind of scared though, that i would fall back in my past eating habbits, even if I know i've never lost them. When i feel good i could eat an elephant, and when i'm depress i could pass 2 days without eating. Part of being borderline is living in extremes, that's a good exemple. 

I've been awake for about 6h00 now and i think i'm gonna head back to bed soon, but i wanted to write a bit before. My dreams are a better place for me to be at the moment. And anyway there is nothing to do in here. My ex just texted me so i feel like shit -_- I really don't know why he does that, i'm trying my best to get over it, i'm not texting him, not calling, i deleted his number, but every couple weeks he writes me something completely out of context like he really wants me to say something or to be mad. It's like if everytime he sees i'm doing fine HE HAS to come back and fuck with my head.Tomorrow is another day.

What the hell is wrong with me anyway, i can't keep a relationship. Everytime i start dating someone or just start having feeling for someone i find a way to fuck things up. Or this person is not READY to have a relationship which i can understand. BUT every fucking time this person seems to think i'M an awesome girl, but i'm always the friend. The Guy friend , kind of tired of being friend zone, and even if i dont have real feeling for this person it's starting tu hurt really bad to see that i'm just never good enough and that everytime weeks after the events or some days after this person is already with someone else. Like everytime, i don't know what is wrong with me, i guess i'm just not good enough and i'm wondering if it is just that i'm not as pretty as I used to be, if i'm too fat now to have a cute guy noticing me, maybe my standards are too high, or maybe i just have a shitty personnality, but if i'm so shitty why do they keep telling me ( you're awesome you'r ejust not the one for me ) SERIOUSLY how can i be so awesome if I can't even keep a relationship for more than 3,5 seconds.
I don't even want a serious relationship right now, but it's just really hurtful to know i'm never good enough.. 

good night y'all 

-Kayyv