Dear diary,
I struggle a lot lately, and i think i need to get this out of my head. Mental illness are a big part of today's society. I don't think it is because doctors diagnosis anyone but maybe because the pressure some of us are put into is to hard to handle. I don't know where this pressure come from but it's there and we need to get through it.
I'm facing a lot of different issues i might say.. let me explain myself.
First of all,
Depression,
I've been diagnose with depression a while ago. It's been almost 4 years now and i'm trying my best to get over it but doctors and psychologist seem to think i'm a desperate case. Not really but, i might have to struggle with this a long time. Nobody really knows why.. but i'm about to tell you. It all started back in high school, as far as I can remember. Yeah, you guessed right, bullying. It's always been an issue and i guess it will always be. I was 13 when i started self-harm, it all started with scratching on my arms it relieved the stress i guess. And then some cutting on my legs and arms but nothing really deep. I used to have a rubber-band on my wrist in case i was too stressed in class. Then i started falling in some wrong eating habbit, maybe not anorexia, not at this point in my life but i would controle everything. I would count the calories i eat, then go play Dance Dance revolution to burn as much as I could. This could last weeks then i would eat a lot and it goes on and on. This habbit never left me and i struggle with this everyday of my life. So bullying stopped maybe at my last year of high school. Then it was time for college, everything was fine then i went through all the things college girls go, broken heart, partys. Then it all started. Internet ohh internet i loved you so much back then. I would have done anything to get your attention and be E-famous. But there's always a dark side to popularity. Just before the internet went wrong, i lost 2 friends. Not lost like afight or anything. Really, I lost them, both of them committed suicide in the same month so i took it rough. Then the other part, some pictures of me were leaked on the internet and some website started bullying me. The same website over and over posting about me, putting mean memes about me everyhour of the day. Thats what we call cyber-bullying i guess. I didn't know what to do back then. I was crying everynight and i was unable to find happiness again... i deleted my facebook and everything. And somehow they found a way to my phone number and called and harrassed me everynight from midnight to 5 am, every damn night. I couldn't sleep, i couldn't eat, i couldn't live. After a while i started to feel better, but then they released other picture and it started all over again. Then some guy insulted me and even though it wasnt worth really taking care of , i really took it personnal and it just crossed the line. SO i jumped in my car heading to my appartment and i couldn't think about anything else but suicide. Then my roomate texted my that she wanted to talk and i got home and tried my best to not jump over a cliff. So i finally decided to go see a psychologist at school and they helped me right away. I started medication and it went ok, but i couldn't forget the thought of killing myself. I couldn't even look at myself in a mirror without crying, i couldn't even stay at home without crying. So I was going out, getting drunk to erase the pain everynight. I was working and going to school and dealing through all this, so my grades went down and i was driving myself straight to hell. but it was all gonna be ok right. I started dating a guy, but i hated myself so much that this guy became a necessity for me, it was like if i was living only for this person. So when he said it was over it was the end of the world, the end of my world. So i panicked, i couldnt breath i was gasping for air and as far as i remember i was taking the pack of pills and taking them all one by one. then the policeman and medics were at my door with this guy and i woke up in a hospital. 3 weeks later i had a breakdown, and i think I had some drugs in my drink but i had a panic attack again and started having a psychosis attack in the middle of the street and i woke up again in the hospital but i don't remember anything ... in fact i don't remember what really happened, I only remember what i think , what doctors though was a psychosis. Then i was kicked out of the school because my grades were too bad, in fact i was in hospital 2-3 times a week so yeah my grades were bad. When i was finally going back on track some months after this, lets call it a nightmare, i lost my driving license and it took me over 2 years to have it back. I started dating a guy, a guy i've loved for over 4 years now, and we were together for about a year and a half. We lived together and then the nighmare started again. My depression never stopped, i still had panic attacks and insomnia, i guess he was tired of that. He left me with an appartment to pay by myself after treating me like shit for months at the end of our relationship. He made me sleep on the floor, not even a couch, the fucking floor. Soni was sleeping on a pile of clothes in my dressing-room. He would also turn off the electricity or whatever so I would not be able to eat because it was HIS fourniture. When he left, he took our dog with him and i was not allowed to see it. He tried to steal my car, broke into the appartment to steal my keys and the proof that the car was mine ( he did gave it back to me afterwards though ) I had to change the lockers and all. I found a roomate to help me pay the bills.. she stayed a week, then she stole me for over 5k worth of clothes and stuff. Police won't do anything, she admitted it i felt miserable i had to leave the appartment for my own safety and now i'm here back at the start. I was covered in dept, had no money to eat, had to pay for both appartment and still manage to go work and get screamed at everyday by custommers ( yeah joys of working in telemarketing i guess). I would come home, not talk to anyone, play video games or just find a way to pay for the bills, or cry all night because i couldnt find sleep and when i was finally asleep i would have the worse nightmares or i would wakeup because i had stopped breathing and i was gasping for air. I was idealizing, just like i was in a dream, like i was not part of this life anymore and sometimes i still have those episode where i look outside just like if it was a movie. Sometimes i get so scared to fall asleep because i just don't wanna know whats coming on the other day. And i could watch hours and hours of movie and then i would stop and think.. how could i end this, what about if i kill myself right now, who would miss me? really who would think about it ? i could do it that way, or that way. And i idealize it so badly it scares me, like if i was already watching myself do it. I'm trying not to, I don't really want to, but there is this part of me that want this to end and i'm fighting my ass off everyday of my life to make this part of me shut up even though sometimes it gets the best of me. Sometimes my panic attack would be so hard on me that i would faint or be sick. But even after all this, I'm still here, I'm still trying, and i'm still fighting everyday. Now, new appartment, new life, a kitten which is the only male i need right now and i love him more than anything and i'm just hoping it's gonna get better soon. I have my new meds and i stopped working for a while to get everything straight in my head. I might forget some big part of what happened but that sums up pretty well. it's this weird feeling i have like not knowing who i am, or just like i never knew who i was. I can't remember how to be happy. One day I will, i will find myself, and i might learn how to love myself. I may not be ready yet but i'm working on it which is a good beggining.
So depression is one of the issues i have. I also have been diagnosed with social-anxiety, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, eating disorder and ADHD. Maybe i'll explain it in another post,and i might update this one , but I think that's enough for tonight. So yeah i'm a sick woman, a crazy girl in a crazy world.
-Kayyv
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