today

Dear Diary, 

I don't know how to feel, i'm dizzy but i feel ok. It's been two days and i just don't know if i should eat or not. It's like if my body wants to eat but as soon as i take a bite of something i want to puke. Yesterday i've been watching my phone for over 30 minutes wondering if i should order something or not. I did though, but i felt guilty afterward, but i can cheat once a week so it is ok. I'm down to 142 now, i lost 3 pounds in the past days hope i can keep it that way, I wanna head back to 120, Even if its hard going to the gym right now, I just wanna stay in bed all day and watch movies. i've watched all Lifetime movies in the past week i think, I don't even know what i should watch anymore serioulsy i've seen it all. Have you ever felt like your life was a lifetime movie, i feel like this right now. I'm kind of scared though, that i would fall back in my past eating habbits, even if I know i've never lost them. When i feel good i could eat an elephant, and when i'm depress i could pass 2 days without eating. Part of being borderline is living in extremes, that's a good exemple. 

I've been awake for about 6h00 now and i think i'm gonna head back to bed soon, but i wanted to write a bit before. My dreams are a better place for me to be at the moment. And anyway there is nothing to do in here. My ex just texted me so i feel like shit -_- I really don't know why he does that, i'm trying my best to get over it, i'm not texting him, not calling, i deleted his number, but every couple weeks he writes me something completely out of context like he really wants me to say something or to be mad. It's like if everytime he sees i'm doing fine HE HAS to come back and fuck with my head.Tomorrow is another day.

What the hell is wrong with me anyway, i can't keep a relationship. Everytime i start dating someone or just start having feeling for someone i find a way to fuck things up. Or this person is not READY to have a relationship which i can understand. BUT every fucking time this person seems to think i'M an awesome girl, but i'm always the friend. The Guy friend , kind of tired of being friend zone, and even if i dont have real feeling for this person it's starting tu hurt really bad to see that i'm just never good enough and that everytime weeks after the events or some days after this person is already with someone else. Like everytime, i don't know what is wrong with me, i guess i'm just not good enough and i'm wondering if it is just that i'm not as pretty as I used to be, if i'm too fat now to have a cute guy noticing me, maybe my standards are too high, or maybe i just have a shitty personnality, but if i'm so shitty why do they keep telling me ( you're awesome you'r ejust not the one for me ) SERIOUSLY how can i be so awesome if I can't even keep a relationship for more than 3,5 seconds.
I don't even want a serious relationship right now, but it's just really hurtful to know i'm never good enough.. 

good night y'all 

-Kayyv 

It's a mad, mad world

Dear diary, 

I struggle a lot lately, and i think i need to get this out of my head. Mental illness are a big part of today's society. I don't think it is because doctors diagnosis anyone but maybe because the pressure some of us are put into is to hard to handle. I don't know where this pressure come from but it's there and we need to get through it. 

I'm facing a lot of different issues i might say.. let me explain myself. 

First of all, 

Depression,  

I've been diagnose with depression a while ago. It's been almost 4 years now and i'm trying my best to get over it but doctors and psychologist seem to think i'm a desperate case. Not really but, i might have to struggle with this a long time. Nobody really knows why.. but i'm about to tell you. It all started back in high school, as far as I can remember. Yeah, you guessed right, bullying. It's always been an issue and i guess it will always be. I was 13 when i started self-harm, it all started with scratching on my arms it relieved the stress i guess. And then some cutting on my legs and arms but nothing really deep. I used to have a rubber-band on my wrist in case i was too stressed in class. Then i started falling in some wrong eating habbit, maybe not anorexia, not at this point in my life but i would controle everything. I would count the calories i eat, then go play Dance Dance revolution to burn as much as I could. This could last weeks then i would eat a lot and it goes on and on. This habbit never left me and i struggle with this everyday of my life. So bullying stopped maybe at my last year of high school. Then it was time for college, everything was fine then i went through all the things college girls go, broken heart, partys. Then it all started. Internet ohh internet i loved you so much back then. I would have done anything to get your attention and be E-famous. But there's always a dark side to popularity. Just before the internet went wrong, i lost 2 friends. Not lost like afight or anything. Really, I lost them, both of them committed suicide in the same month so i took it rough. Then the other part, some pictures of me were leaked on the internet and some website started bullying me. The same website over and over posting about me, putting mean memes about me everyhour of the day. Thats what we call cyber-bullying i guess. I didn't know what to do back then. I was crying everynight and i was unable to find happiness again... i deleted my facebook and everything. And somehow they found a way to my phone number and called and harrassed me everynight from midnight to 5 am, every damn night. I couldn't sleep, i couldn't eat, i couldn't live. After a while i started to feel better, but then they released other picture and it started all over again. Then some guy insulted me and even though it wasnt worth really taking care of , i really took it personnal and it just crossed the line. SO i jumped in my car heading to my appartment and i couldn't think about anything else but suicide. Then my roomate texted my that she wanted to talk and i got home and tried my best to not jump over a cliff. So i finally decided to go see a psychologist at school and they helped me right away. I started medication and it went ok, but i couldn't forget the thought of killing myself. I couldn't even look at myself in a mirror without crying, i couldn't even stay at home without crying. So I was going out, getting drunk to erase the pain everynight. I was working and going to school and dealing through all this, so my grades went down and i was driving myself straight to hell. but it was all gonna be ok right. I started dating a guy, but i hated myself so much that this guy became a necessity for me, it was like if i was living only for this person. So when he said it was over it was the end of the world, the end of my world. So i panicked, i couldnt breath i was gasping for air and as far as i remember i was taking the pack of pills and taking them all one by one. then the policeman and medics were at my door with this guy and i woke up in a hospital. 3 weeks later i had a breakdown, and i think I had some drugs in my drink but i had a panic attack again and started having a psychosis attack in the middle of the street and i woke up again in the hospital but i don't remember anything ... in fact i don't remember what really happened, I only remember what i think , what doctors though was a psychosis. Then i was kicked out of the school because my grades were too bad, in fact i was in hospital 2-3 times a week so yeah my grades were bad. When i was finally going back on track some months after this, lets call it a nightmare, i lost my driving license and it took me over 2 years to have it back. I started dating a guy, a guy i've loved for over 4 years now, and we were together for about a year and a half. We lived together and then the nighmare started again. My depression never stopped, i still had panic attacks and insomnia, i guess he was tired of that. He left me with an appartment to pay by myself after treating me like shit for months at the end of our relationship. He made me sleep on the floor, not even a couch, the fucking floor. Soni was sleeping on a pile of clothes in my dressing-room. He would also turn off the electricity or whatever so I would not be able to eat because it was HIS fourniture. When he left, he took our dog with him and i was not allowed to see it. He tried to steal my car, broke into the appartment to steal my keys and the proof that the car was mine ( he did gave it back to me afterwards though ) I had to change the lockers  and all. I found a roomate to help me pay the bills.. she stayed a week, then she stole me for over 5k worth of clothes and stuff. Police won't do anything, she admitted it i felt miserable i had to leave the appartment for my own safety and now i'm here back at the start. I was covered in dept, had no money to eat, had to pay for both appartment and still manage to go work and get screamed at everyday by custommers ( yeah joys of working in telemarketing i guess). I would come home, not talk to anyone, play video games or just find a way to pay for the bills, or cry all night because i couldnt find sleep and when i was finally asleep i would have the worse nightmares or i would wakeup because i had stopped breathing and i was gasping for air. I was idealizing, just like i was in a dream, like i was not part of this life anymore and sometimes i still have those episode where i look outside just like if it was a movie. Sometimes i get so scared to fall asleep because i just don't wanna know whats coming on the other day. And i could watch hours and hours of movie and then i would stop and think.. how could i end this, what about if i kill myself right now, who would miss me? really who would think about it ? i could do it that way, or that way. And i idealize it so badly it scares me, like if i was already watching myself do it. I'm trying not to, I don't really want to, but there is this part of me that want this to end and i'm fighting my ass off everyday of my life to make this part of me shut up even though sometimes it gets the best of me. Sometimes my panic attack would be so hard on me  that i would faint or be sick. But even after all this, I'm still here, I'm still trying, and i'm still fighting everyday. Now,  new appartment, new life, a kitten which is the only male i need right now and i love him more than anything and i'm just hoping it's gonna get better soon. I have my new meds and i stopped working for a while to get everything straight in my head. I might forget some big part of what happened but that sums up pretty well. it's this weird feeling i have like not knowing who i am, or just like i never knew who i was. I can't remember how to be happy. One day I will, i will find myself, and i might learn how to love myself. I may not be ready yet but i'm working on it which is a good beggining. 

So depression is one of the issues i have. I also have been diagnosed with social-anxiety, borderline personality disorder,  histrionic personality disorder, eating disorder and ADHD. Maybe i'll explain it in another post,and i might update this one , but I think that's enough for tonight. So yeah i'm a sick woman, a crazy girl in a crazy world.

-Kayyv

who am I, and What is this

I'd like to start by telling you what this is all about, 

This is my diary, I don't really have any personnal one at home but i feel like i need to be heard. So basically this is it, a diary... yup kind of odd right? Maybe people will open there eyes or just understand what most of us are going through. Or maybe it will just help me get over some things that happens to me. Writing has always been a good way of letting my real emotion show through. 

So let's start with the basics 

Who am I, 

My name is Carolanne, my online name is Kayyv, maybe because it's the only name I had in all the game i played ever. Seriously i don't really know who i am at this point in my life. I'm 22, 1992 kid. I'm a girl, Obviously. I have a sister younger than me, my parents a recently divorced but i'm getting used to it. I'm from a little place called St-Marie de Beauce, south shore of quebec city, in Canada. My first language is French, but I can also speak english. I'm a nerd... seriously i'm a real nerd and it's kind of annoying to most people sometimes but they get used to it. I'm also a really girly girl, the kind of girl that would cry glitter if i could, even though i have my boyish side to me. I'm a feminist, but not a feminazi, i'm all about equality and I mean it. I treat everyone equals the way they treat me, might be bad in some case, and good in some others. That's about the most i can say about myself, i don't feel like i have particular talents and i could not enumerate a high number of qualities that i have. But i am certainly a honnest person, way too honest sometimes and people claim it to be seeking for attention but i like to get everything out of my head sometimes. 

Maybe some people might relate to what i will talk in the future post, and maybe people will think again that i am crying desperatly for attention but yeah.. haters gonna hate, getting used to that. But its a diary, maybe it will help some of you, maybe some of you will help me. But i hope that through those lines each and everyone will relate and understand some of the darkest or the brightest things we might experience in our lives. 

I don't really know yet all that i will be posting here, but you sure will have the time to discover it. I guess it will be my little escape from todays cruel world. 

-Kayyv